IAE: Internet Acronyms Explained (What do they really mean?)
Online text can be a labyrinth. Those starting out as writers, editors or proofreaders of online copy, as well as web designers and WordPress hosts, need to understand the jargonic world which awaits them.
DNS: Dogging National Service
Hierarchical system of callers and hosts, like a pyramid scheme but for those with carnal and canine intent. Often perceived as wicked, the DNS provides pastoral support in the form of anonymous callers to those afflicted by The Curse of the Dog.
SEO: Satay Egg Offering
Religious ritual in which a peanut-spiced egg is placed in the palm of a village elder. It does not matter which. The elder then takes the egg and rearranges its molecules in such a way that its diaphragm is visible. As a result, it shows up more effectively in online searches.
NSEO: Naughty Satay Egg Offering
Like above, only naughtier. An NSEO typically involves incubation of the egg for 7–10 days within the uteral or bowel walls of an Aberdeen Angus cow, and its subsequent ejection directly onto the chest of the elder. Criticised for obvious reasons, televised for less obvious ones.
API: Another Pornographic Industry
Label attached by distributors (TripleX, RaunchValve, etc.) to recently uploaded content of esoteric nature, pre-categorisation. Considered a holding message. If your upload is labelled API after four weeks, abandon ship. Your shit is too weird, and has been relegated to the Slush Pile (and probably won’t be picked up).
B2C: Bum to Cheek
A topic of fierce contention on Live Webcam Model sites, B2C has been green- and red-lighted more times than any other category, oscillating like a digital pendulum between front page and arse pile. Only visible to the vigilant voyeur.
“HTML”: “His Tiny Muscles Lose”
A chant often heard at internet wrestling matches, where the titans of the World Wide Web are pitted against each other. The chief prize, a year’s subscription to the DNS and an unlimited supply of UGC (description below), is won by the competitor with the largest digital flex.
LPO: Latvian Police Officer
Much more than it appears. The Latvian Police Officer is code for a very particular category of online error message. Each of its letters stands for an expletive in a near-dead Uralic tongue. The complete set of words is deemed so offensive (by those who understand it) that its utterance is said to have caused upwards of eight extra-marital affairs, and a dog to explode.
PDF: Please Don’t Fart
A command in request’s clothing.
ROI: Real Or Interesting
A game played by those young buccaneers one sees crouched in dark corners, hoping to impress members of the animal sex. A so-called ‘fact’ is presented, some small trivium, about which its recipients must perambulate. Those who guess correctly progress to Round 2, which involves articles of flesh.
UX: Undignified Experience
When you think you’ve finished on the toilet, but actually you haven’t, and you are visited by the Brown Devil while smudging your way back to your seat, in the theatre. The gentleman who refuses to stand in order to let you pass receives a visitation of his own, in the form of warm-wet pulp. Definitely undignified.
UGC: Unbelievably Good Chicken
Does exactly what it says on the tin. No, not really. This is a metaphor for a CS3-coded site that is so tight, so goddamn tight, that it makes you feel physically sated, and leaves your lips shiny and well-oiled.
W3C: When Three Cuddle
Used to describe scenes of a pseudo-erotic nature, in which three human bodies are pressed tightly against each other, without explicitly demonstrated intent to canoodle, regardless of collateral canoodling. For example, the rising of a member is often regarded as automatic — reflexive — rather than organised.
CPC: Cost per Cuddle
Typically costed in human currency, and invoiced in advance. Bills make their way from cuddler to cuddlee via fax or voicemail, and are carried back via the antediluvian method of carrier-goose. Tradition is as tradition does, and tradition is often stupid. You read it here.
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There you have it, internet acronyms decoded. If I have missed any off this list, be sure to send in your suggestions (as well as some UGC) to my Moscow address.
