How to survive a zombie apocalypse — Part 1: Weapons

Rule 1: Choose a suitable weapon

Do not use a knife. Knives are sharp, yes, but they lodge in flesh. Lodged items require dislodging. Dislodging takes time. You do not have time. You have zombies.

Are chainsaws good for killing zombies?

No — zombies are attracted to sound. Their ears still work, and seem to be surprisingly sensitive (or at least, you cannot bank on deafness). Chainsaws also require fuel, and can fail. Do not choose a weapon that can fail, when your life depends on it. Baseball bats cannot fail. Nor can cricket bats, croquet mallets (weakness: end-heavy), regular mallets (weakness: short and stubby) and war hammers (weakness: not readily available).

How about a samurai sword?

In theory, samurai swords stand up to the test. They are lithe, sharp and breathtakingly cool. However, good luck finding one when the time comes.

Guns, surely guns…?

If you are a sharp shooter in possession of bountiful ammunition supplies, then the gun route may be for you. However, guns have drawbacks.

A bit more on guns

Unless you are a crack shot, if you find yourself surrounded by zombies, a gun may actually be a liability. Depending on how much ammo you are carrying, how quickly you can change a magazine, how likely you are to make headshot after headshot under existential pressure from a hoard of groaning zombies, you might find yourself wishing you had a sledgehammer.

For more information on how to prepare for a zombie apocalypse…

Watch this space for Part Two.

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Bruno Cooke

UK author/journalist writing about long distance cycle trips, cultural differences and global politics. Visit onurbicycle.com.